Changes

Today as I travelled home on the train from a training day I looked out the window, The rain was coming down hard and the sea was wild and deadly looking. As my tired eyes tried to make sense of what was going on outside the fast moving train I thought to myself, a few months ago a day like this would have been tough, I would have been fighting back the tears and thinking what is the point of it all. Today was different. Today was very different.

Today when I looked out the window I felt happy. I have felt happy for a while, and not just my mood has lifted, but can't stop smiling, cheeks hurt kind of happy. It is good to have changed back to my old self, in fact I'm much happier than my old self could have ever imagined and things only look like they are going up! I have laughed so much and so extaticly and whole hartedly my eyes water non-stop and my stomach is slowly becoming a six-pack! this is a fantastic change, I love it!

Today I was thinking about my future and the changes that will be coming up in it. One of the biggest changes that is coming my way is I have made a choice to do some more study, a PGCE to be in fact. There were always 2 things I thought I would never do and that no-one would ever make me do, But God has different plans! I was never ever going to be a teacher and I never wanted to stay in Carlisle as I hate it (or so I thought)! Now, I have friends, happiness and a great bible study based in Carlisle and I want to stay so badly, though if Gods plans change I will be happy to follow where he wants me. The whole being a teacher thing has developed over the past few weeks and I feel more at peace with this next stage than I have about any other in my whole life. This is a massive positive change and a few months ago these ideas wouldn't have even crossed my mind. The difference a day or a few of them.

I am excited about my future for the first time in a long time. I know God has so much more excited things in store for me and he will reveal them when I am ready, and I am feeling so open for Change (something that normally scares me silly!) and all God's plans are going to make me feel more at ease. I have such a peace that God is going to give me the desires of my heart in a much more imaginative, overwhelming, awesome, fantastic way than I could ever think of.



Sorry haven't posted in a while, been far to happy to sit still long enough to write! I think at some point soon I will write about the desires of my heart, as I have always been to scared to share them as some strange way to protect my heart in case they don't come true!

A Love letter to myself

Dear Self,

                I have been meaning to write this letter to you for the last few weeks, but I have been puttin it off because I knew it would be hard. In this letter I am going to make you some promises that once written down will be easier to keep, and if I forget them then this letter ishear to remind me. I know I am hard on you and not ver nice to you at times, but this will change. If I made new years resalutions this would be one.

Promise 0ne:

I promise to let you feel good about you accomplishments and not compare you to others as I have always done. I am me, and no one else is better at it than me!

Promise two:

I promise to not beat myself up because I don't conform to what society wants me to be. I won't judge myself because I have a job and not a career, I won't feel like a failer because I still live at home with my mum amd dad and that I'm not living independently like a 25 year old "should"

Promise three:

I Promise to look after you better than I do now, they say your body is a temple, well I havent been treating my body or mind very well, this stops NOW!

Promise four:

I promise to daily see the good that I bring to others and have inside me, and to help myself when I am stuck I am going to tell you some of them now.

You are a strong, deturmind, independent woman who is beautiful on the inside and out. You are confident, but don't be scared to show it. You have an infectious bubblie persanality and your laughter makes others smile and laugh, You should do it more often. You have such a big heart, don't let what has hurt you in the past stop you from using it and stop you from letting others love you. Walls that you build yourself seldom come down with out you pulling. You are silly in the fun way, and when you are silly and hyper you are so happy that it sines out of you like the sun and people are drawn to you because of it. you are at your best when you are the sun.

I don't often say this and you don't often believe it, but I do. I love you! And you are worth it! And most of all you are enough, you dont need to be any more or any less YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Love Me  xxx

Why do jobs/careers difine us?

I find when I meet new people the ask what I do, or what I want to do in the future. People are always shocked when I say I don't know. To be honest I don't think many people do so why do we lie? I feel it is because people define us and our success and who we are though this. Why does a job define us? Is someone who emptys bins for a living lesser of a person than a pilot? or is a teacher more important than someone who is unemployed?

As some one who has worked in many areas and had many different jobs, taken me to other contries or just cleaning toilets, I have met many people, all of whom have great worth and mean no less or more than anyone else. So why do we put this importance on jobs and careers. Why is this the norm? Why when we meet people do we not try and find out who they are rather then what job do you do? oh that must mean that you are like such and such.

I get anxious when I think about my future andwhat my future job might be. Society says that I should know what my career is going to be, when I am going to start a family, when I will own my own house. This makes me axious as some days waking up in the morning is a task. Somedays I get into bed and think I made it through the day with out crying. If you are having one of those days, Congrats you are doing great and you have worth. That is something I wish people said to me more often, not what do you do? What are your plans for your future? You do't have plans for the future? You have to have plans for the future? How can you not?

I will tell you how! I am living in the day and feeling Gods love, I am recovering one step at a time from not thinking i am going to be able to make it out of bed some days. I am not there yet but i am getting there. Thinking about careers and jobs is hard and scares me and makes me anxious, there is a big world out there to concore and it is overwhelming. My job does not define me, so you shouldn't define me by it and I won't define you by yours. It is a way to make money, for some people it is a passion and a calling for others not. So please don't judge.

Life doesnt come with an instruction manual

Today was a bit of a bad day. Today I wanted the day to be over. Today I wanted an instruction manual that said "Do this, this and this and that, that, amd that will happen and you will feel this.", but life doesn't have one of those, oh how different, easy, predictable, uneventful, boring and underwhelming life would be. At least then I wouldn't have days like this. Life is a sign post with to many signs to see, print so small you can't see, and you never are allowed down the roads allocated to each sign as no one lives in the same way and everyone has to carve thier own road in life.

Life is an information board with no information on it (like the one above, which i saw as I walked along the beach today), Life is like an instruction manual in every language except the ones you can speak. This can make life magical, beautiful, indescribable, overwhelming, panic filled, scary, hard to bare, suffocating.... it can make it anything and everything. But today, for me, it was hard. And on days like this my mind wonders to all the things that could be better in my life, dreams that I want to happen and my mind twist things, doubting myself, making things worse then the are in my head, and no matter how hard I try I cant get out of the head space. Even if life had less sign posts I still wouldn't know where I was ment to go.

People keep telling me that I can controll how I feel and I can choose to be Happy. But how?? I really don't understand that, maybe when I look back at this time i will think how silly I was for not knowing that I can choose to feel happy when I feel so down. I saw somewhere a quote (I love quotes), it said something along the lines of; Telling someone who has deprestion that they have lots to be happy about is like telling some who is asthmatic they should be able to breath as there is lots of air. Which I agree with, so many people don't understand mental health and the issue you can have with it. On days like today i feel like I am stuck on a path leading somewhere you can see with no one or nothing around you, and the wind and the cold and the rain are pushing you back, and you take one step forward to only take it back again. Today was a bit of a bad day, but at least I have tomorrow.