A Love letter to myself

Dear Self,

                I have been meaning to write this letter to you for the last few weeks, but I have been puttin it off because I knew it would be hard. In this letter I am going to make you some promises that once written down will be easier to keep, and if I forget them then this letter ishear to remind me. I know I am hard on you and not ver nice to you at times, but this will change. If I made new years resalutions this would be one.

Promise 0ne:

I promise to let you feel good about you accomplishments and not compare you to others as I have always done. I am me, and no one else is better at it than me!

Promise two:

I promise to not beat myself up because I don't conform to what society wants me to be. I won't judge myself because I have a job and not a career, I won't feel like a failer because I still live at home with my mum amd dad and that I'm not living independently like a 25 year old "should"

Promise three:

I Promise to look after you better than I do now, they say your body is a temple, well I havent been treating my body or mind very well, this stops NOW!

Promise four:

I promise to daily see the good that I bring to others and have inside me, and to help myself when I am stuck I am going to tell you some of them now.

You are a strong, deturmind, independent woman who is beautiful on the inside and out. You are confident, but don't be scared to show it. You have an infectious bubblie persanality and your laughter makes others smile and laugh, You should do it more often. You have such a big heart, don't let what has hurt you in the past stop you from using it and stop you from letting others love you. Walls that you build yourself seldom come down with out you pulling. You are silly in the fun way, and when you are silly and hyper you are so happy that it sines out of you like the sun and people are drawn to you because of it. you are at your best when you are the sun.

I don't often say this and you don't often believe it, but I do. I love you! And you are worth it! And most of all you are enough, you dont need to be any more or any less YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Love Me  xxx

Why do jobs/careers difine us?

I find when I meet new people the ask what I do, or what I want to do in the future. People are always shocked when I say I don't know. To be honest I don't think many people do so why do we lie? I feel it is because people define us and our success and who we are though this. Why does a job define us? Is someone who emptys bins for a living lesser of a person than a pilot? or is a teacher more important than someone who is unemployed?

As some one who has worked in many areas and had many different jobs, taken me to other contries or just cleaning toilets, I have met many people, all of whom have great worth and mean no less or more than anyone else. So why do we put this importance on jobs and careers. Why is this the norm? Why when we meet people do we not try and find out who they are rather then what job do you do? oh that must mean that you are like such and such.

I get anxious when I think about my future andwhat my future job might be. Society says that I should know what my career is going to be, when I am going to start a family, when I will own my own house. This makes me axious as some days waking up in the morning is a task. Somedays I get into bed and think I made it through the day with out crying. If you are having one of those days, Congrats you are doing great and you have worth. That is something I wish people said to me more often, not what do you do? What are your plans for your future? You do't have plans for the future? You have to have plans for the future? How can you not?

I will tell you how! I am living in the day and feeling Gods love, I am recovering one step at a time from not thinking i am going to be able to make it out of bed some days. I am not there yet but i am getting there. Thinking about careers and jobs is hard and scares me and makes me anxious, there is a big world out there to concore and it is overwhelming. My job does not define me, so you shouldn't define me by it and I won't define you by yours. It is a way to make money, for some people it is a passion and a calling for others not. So please don't judge.

Don't Judge Myself By My Cover

Today I went shopping for clothes. I hate shopping for clothes. I hate having to choose something that has a number on it bigger than I would like. Over the past year I have put on weight, and normally I am confident and happy with my body. Today I was not. I was pinning my worth, my abilities to a a two didget number on the inside of an item of clothing that only I have to see. When a number that was bigger than last year was the number that fit me in one shop but the same number was too small in another I cried. Why oes a 2 didget number affect me so much? My age is a two didget number and that affects me no where near the same amount, All my friends are "Further on" with their lives than me at the same age, but it is the hidden number that affects me. When someone finds out what the hidden number is they don't believe that it is correct. They tell me I have a beautiful curvey figure and I'm stunning, everything a girl wants to hear, But I don't listen. I listen to the voice in my head saying this hidden number means you are worthless, you will never achieve anything, no one will love you, you are useless, you will never have a boyfriend/husband/family. Why do I let it tell me these lies?! I felt really bad about all this then I thought to myself I will just return the clothes that didn't fit and buy something else. Shopping shouldn't be a dreaded thing that will bring on all these feelings I am a strong, beautiful, loved woman of God and o one can say otherwise not even this hidden number in my clothes!

Looking Forward.......Looking Back

So it's new year a time that that people normally look back on the past year. They focas on the good and the bad, things that changed them in the year and things they are glad to leave behind. Then they look to the future and always say this year is going to be my year, so much is going to change and it is going to be a good one, the best infact. So I thought I would look back on this year and put some high lights and talk about the defficulties I had and also a little bit on what 2015 might hold for me.

In January 2014 I went to South Africa for 6 months which was eye opening, but also mad me feel really alone. I found that I hate being by myself, but regularly find myself on my own. Even though I am chatty, friendly, enthusiastic and everything else you imagen popular people with mutiple friends to be, I am lonely and have few friends. I find people want lots from me but don't give back anything so I am giving on empty. Whilst I was at university I gave my all to people who needed someone to talk to, help with problems and the like, but when I was in need these people were nowhere to be seen, they weren't willing to help, left me to sturggle and cope by myself, even when I asked for help my so called good friends didn't seam to care. I no longer speak to these people, even though they promised to keep in touch, on facebook I see them all being there for each other like they never were for me, this makes me think whats wrong with me? Why didn't they want to help me? Why didn't they care? Did all that I did for them (which drained me and affected my uni life so much) mean nothing at all that they wanted to throw our friendship and my hard work to the side of the road and drive off fast without a second glance? So I built up walls and these walls were extreamly tall and thick when I arrived in South Africa. The family I stayed with, and a family that took my under thier wings, and "Aunty Dotty" helped chip away at these walls so by the time I left Cape Town, they were still there, just weaker. Also whislt I was in South Africa i took myself off my my medication thinking I was fine. Looking back now I know this was a stupid idea and something I will never do again. Whilst I was in South Africa I wrote a blog about what I was doing, but I also kept a journal of how I was feeling and writting thigs down was so much easier than saying things out loud. Hence why this blog is being written, it is so much easier to say how I am feeling when I write it down. This is proberly the most important thing I learnt this year. Below are videos and photos of how I felt and things I did in 2014...

 as for 2015 I just want to feel more opptermistic and excited about the year, and that This year WILL be a good one!! It Will be my year!!!!